Breaking the Silence: Why Children Deserve to Be Heard

In the realm of psychology, there’s an old saying: “Children should be seen and not heard.” This adage, once commonly upheld, reflects a societal tendency to overlook the voices and experiences of children. The saying “Children should be seen and not heard” is not only egregious but also harmful to children’s development and well-being.

I strongly oppose the saying that children are to be seen and not heard because it is deeply harmful to suppress and diminish their voices. This outdated notion perpetuates a harmful power dynamic that can lead to emotional and psychological damage. As a parent, I firmly believe in validating my daughter’s feelings and empowering her to express herself authentically. That’s why, when she was just six years old, I made the decision to enroll her in therapy. And not because my daughter and I were not close because we are. She speaks to me about most things If not everything I want to believe. However, my little love was facing issues with her father that the family law court would not support and validate her experiences and feelings. Through my many years of being in and out of the failed family law court system my daughter was no closer to being heard by that system than I was of finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I wanted my precious baby girl to have a safe space where she could explore her emotions, process her experiences, and find her voice and her power. Therapy has been instrumental in validating her feelings, building her self-esteem, and fostering her ability to assert herself confidently in the world. It’s essential to break the cycle of silencing children and instead cultivate an environment where their voices are valued and respected, empowering them to thrive emotionally, socially, and intellectually.

Here’s why:

1. Invalidation of Feelings: This saying implies that children’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions are less important or valuable than those of adults. It dismisses their experiences and emotions, sending the message that they should suppress their voices and conform to adult expectations. Such invalidation can undermine children’s self-esteem, confidence, and sense of self-worth.
2. Communication Barriers: When children are discouraged from expressing themselves or participating in conversations, it creates communication barriers between them and adults. This lack of open dialogue can hinder the development of healthy communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and emotional literacy. Children need opportunities to articulate their thoughts, share their concerns, and engage in meaningful interactions with others.
3. Impact on Mental Health: Being constantly silenced or ignored can have detrimental effects on children’s mental health. It can lead to feelings of powerlessness, frustration, and alienation. Children may internalize the belief that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter, which can contribute to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and other psychological issues later in life.
4. Stifling Creativity and Individuality: Every child is unique, with their own perspectives, interests, and talents. When children are silenced, their creativity and individuality are stifled. They may feel pressured to conform to societal norms or parental expectations rather than exploring their own identities and passions. Embracing children’s voices and encouraging self-expression fosters creativity, critical thinking, and personal growth.
5. Missed Opportunities for Learning: Children have valuable insights and perspectives that adults can learn from. By dismissing children’s voices, we miss out on opportunities for mutual learning and understanding. Encouraging children to express themselves promotes dialogue, empathy, and cultural exchange, enriching both individual relationships and society as a whole.
6. Perpetuating Hierarchical Dynamics: The saying “Children should be seen and not heard” reinforces hierarchical dynamics that prioritize adult authority over children’s autonomy. It perpetuates a power imbalance that can lead to authoritarian parenting styles and inhibit children’s sense of agency and empowerment. Valuing children’s voices promotes more egalitarian relationships and fosters environments of mutual respect and collaboration.

The saying “Children should be seen and not heard” is harmful because it undermines children’s autonomy, communication skills, and mental health. Instead, we should strive to create inclusive environments where children’s voices are respected, valued, and encouraged. By listening to children, we empower them to become confident, resilient individuals who contribute positively to their communities and society.

However, in recent years, there has been a significant shift in perspective. Increasingly, therapists and mental health professionals are recognizing the importance of giving children a voice in therapy. Therapy is a place where children can let their voice be heard:

Therapy for Children: Unveiling the Hidden Battles

1. Validating Their Experiences: Children, like adults, go through a wide range of emotions and experiences. From academic pressures to familial conflicts, bullying to identity issues, their worlds can be complex and challenging to navigate. By providing a space where children can openly express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, therapy validates their experiences and fosters a sense of validation and understanding.

2. Developing Self-Awareness: Therapy offers children the opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of themselves— their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Through guided exploration and reflection, they can gain insight into the underlying causes of their struggles and learn to identify their strengths and coping mechanisms. This self-awareness lays the foundation for personal growth and empowers children to make positive changes in their lives.

3. Building Trust and Rapport: Trust is fundamental to the therapeutic process. When children feel heard and understood by their therapist, it strengthens the therapeutic relationship and creates a safe space for healing. By actively listening to children’s concerns and perspectives, therapists establish trust and rapport, essential ingredients for effective therapy outcomes.

4. Empowering Decision-Making: In therapy, children are encouraged to take an active role in their treatment journey. By involving them in the decision-making process— whether it’s setting treatment goals, choosing therapeutic activities, or exploring different coping strategies— therapists empower children to take ownership of their mental health and well-being. This sense of agency promotes a sense of empowerment and resilience.

5. Addressing Underlying Issues: Children’s behaviors are often manifestations of deeper emotional or psychological issues. By listening to children’s narratives and uncovering the underlying meaning behind their words and actions, therapists can address root causes and provide targeted interventions. This holistic approach enables therapists to tailor treatment plans to meet the unique needs of each child and promote lasting change.

6. Breaking the Cycle of Silence: For many children, therapy may be the first time they feel truly heard and understood. By breaking the cycle of silence surrounding children’s mental health, therapy sends a powerful message: that their voices matter, and their feelings are valid. This validation not only promotes healing on an individual level but also contributes to broader societal shifts in how we perceive and support children’s mental health needs.

Children deserve to be heard in therapy because their voices are essential, their experiences are valid, and their well-being matters. By creating a space where children can express themselves freely, therapists empower them to navigate life’s challenges with resilience, self-awareness, and confidence. Let’s break the silence and give children the support they need to thrive.

Click here for behavioral health information or call your health insurance company for referrals near you. Holistic therapy has modalities that you may be interested in exploring as well.

“For abuse of a child to occur, the first necessary condition is that the child remain silent, that their voice not be heard.  This silence may be engineered by the abuser, using their status, fear or shame. It may be engineered by institutions that are passive in protecting children or complicit in covering it up or by adults and peers who are not alert to the signs or do not know how to respond.”

https://gcyp.sa.gov.au/2017/07/11/for-abuse-to-occur-a-childs-voice-must-be-silenced/#:~:text=For%20abuse%20of%20a%20child,their%20status%2C%20fear%20or%20shame.